Modern Chinese Wedding Customs

The traditional practices contributed to the festive atmosphere of a wedding, however, most of the customs are not performed to its fullest extent in the modern world. Instead of performing all these ancient practices, even most elders would prefer the following 'simplified customs' nowadays.

When to get married?
Hong Kong is a funny place where wedding plans are not driven by the couple's relationship. It is often restrained by financial situations. Given Hong Kong's US$500-US$1000-per square-foot real estate price and 9% interest rate on mortgage plan plus the cost of an elaborate Chinese wedding banquet that most parents require, most couples struggle for years in order to save money for the wedding. As crazy as it seems, I know a couple who applied for public housing for 8 years and failed every single time and finally got married because they had to before they can apply for a different government housing scheme and still failed and finally ended up living with their parents. They love each other but they had to wait all these years because of the lack of a living quarter. Another couple planned to get married in 92 but their parents fail to compromise on the number of guests they can invite to the wedding banquet and it finally took the young couple 4 more years to save enough in order to satisfy the needs of the parents. Therefore, the financial restraint has torn up many couples. For those fortunate enough, they will then go through the following procedures.....

Preparation for the Wedding: Exchange Birth Dates and Family Tree
If the groom and the bride's birthdates are OK (meaning that no disaster is predicted by the fortune teller if the two get married), the two families will exchange their family records/family tree. However, this custom is not always being followed depending how superstitious the families are.

Send Gifts to Bride's Family
The modern families usually send both the initial gifts and the formal gifts to the bride's home on one day instead of separating the two events. Most families still need to consult the Chinese calendar to pick a 'good day' which is normally about one month before the wedding.

Instead of sending the whole list of gifts such as livestock, certain 'good-luck' food or material, some couples simplify the gifts and the groom will only send some nice gifts such as dried seafood and fruit basket to the bride's family. (Nowadays, most parents don't know what to do with some lively chicken flying around the fifteen-storey high apartment. Plus, there's a great chance that they'll suffocate before arriving at the bride's home, given Hong Kong's infamous traffic jams)

As for the 'monetary gift', the groom will either pay a certain agreed amount to the bride's family or will offer to pay for all of the wedding cost. The negotiation will then focus on how many tables the groom is able to offer to the bride's family during the wedding banquet. Sometimes, the bride's family will insist on having a certain number of guests but if the groom cannot afford it, they will try to compromise. At other times, the groom's family may have a certain reason to limit the bride's number of guests, such as if the groom's family is not too large, some relatives may feel uneasy if the bride's family invite more guest than the groom's family. Even nowadays, this is a potential area for conflict between the two families. To avoid such conflicts (which is usually impossible but at least to alleviate the pains), please refer to the next section on Guide to avoiding disasters created by parents.

Setting up the Bridal Bed
Not every couple can afford to buy a new bed as the bridal bed nowadays. Especially with the outrageous real estate prices in Hong Kong, not every couple has their own place and a new bed, so it's now quite customary to simply change the linen to the traditional red linen as a symbolic act for setting up the bridal bed. Some couples don't even bother with that. They may simply buy some nice Esprit or Ikea linen and use those as the 'bridal linens'.

The Bride's Gifts for the Groom
Not many people will follow this rule still. The only jewelry the bride brings over to the groom's family is probably the ones that her relatives give her on wedding day as a wedding gift. Some brides contribute some of the gifts from relatives to pay for the banquet as well and some say that is considered as part of the 'bride's gifts' as well.

Combing Hair
Some couples choose to skip this event altogether, although it is a relatively simple act compared to the others.

Wedding Day: Picking up the Bride
Nowadays, the bridesmaid will have most fun during the picking up of the bride. Early in the morning, the groom and the groomsmen will decorate the cars and drive them over to the bride's home. At the door, the bridesmaids will prepare a lot of tricky questions for the groom to answer. The groom not only has to answer all the questions, he also has perform certain acts such as doing push-ups to show that he's strong enough to take care of the bride,or sing out his love for the bride in front of many people. The groomsmen will help the groom to pass all these tests. The last test is a financial test. The groom has to pay the bridesmaids some 'red packets' [good fortune] as gifts, then the groom and his groomsmen can enter the house and greet the bride.

The couple will then serve tea to the superior in the bride's family. The bride's parents will be the first to be served, followed by other relatives. Each one will give the couple some present in return, often red packets and jewelry for the bride [gold is often preferred in the Southern region].

Bride Leaving Home
Nowadays, only very traditional families may use the red umbrella or throw rice as the bride leaves the house. Most people do not perform any special activities and the bride's parents and relatives will either go to the Marriage Registrar or the church to attend the wedding ceremony.

Bride Arriving at the Groom's Home
Again, the couple will then serve tea to the superior in the groom's family. The groom's parents will be the first to be served, followed by other relatives. Each one will give the couple some present in return, often red packets and jewelry for the bride. After that, the whole family will leave for the Marriage Registrar or the church to attend the wedding ceremony.

The Wedding Banquet:
This is probably the part of the tradition that has been very well kept. In the modern Chinese society, the wedding feast is considered to be very important as supposed to the church ceremony or even the signing of the marriage license at the Government's Marriage Registrar. Most parents do not mind the rest of the tradition except for this part. To the parents, the wedding feast is a chance for them to return their relative's kindness and to announce the marriage of their kids. If the wedding feast turns out to be good, then it's a great thing because they will have 'face'. In the Chinese culture, it's most important to have 'face' [respected by others]. Traditionally, the groom will pay for everything but nowadays, some young couples will offer to pay for themselves. As mentioned before, this is the area with the highest likelihood for conflicts between families of the bride and the groom. The bride's family will want to invite as many friends and families as possible while the groom's family may either have a budget concern or they do not want the bride's family to invite more friends than they do in fear of losing 'face'. Note that the bride and the groom's own friends are often being neglected. The wedding banquet is truly more of a parental event than that of the young couple's. There are many jokes about some people slipping into wedding banquets and nobody even noticed until the young couple exchange notes afterwards and realize the guests are neither the bride nor the groom's relatives. Or that the guest went to the wrong banquet in the same restaurant [there may be 3 or 4 banquets going on at the same time in the restaurant, separated by partitions or rooms] without knowing it.

Once the guest list is drafted, the parents will then decide on the menu. A traditional Chinese banquet will include somewhere around 12 courses including an appetizer [lobster salad], roast pig, abalone, shark fin soup and end with fried rice/noodles, dessert and fresh fruit. The food is of utmost importance to Chinese and in most cases only delicacies are served. Besides,really nice cognac such as VSOP is often being served. As a side note, most restaurant finds the beverage to be a great way to rip off the family as you can never keep track of how many Cokes each guest has consumed.

During the feast, the guests are seated in round tables and sometimes seating plans are being made in order to avoid guests not knowing each other being seated at the same table. Each guest will normally bring along monetary gift that runs around US$50-US$100 in Hong Kong [the price varies in different regions]. Normally the gifts can barely cover the cost of the banquet, therefore, the banquet is a great financial constraint in the couple's planning. [...that is, on top of the US$500-US$1000-per square-foot real estate price and 9% interest rate on mortgage plan in Hong Kong]. As for the wedding colour, it is quite standard: red.

The events in a Chinese wedding banquet have been modified a bit nowadays. Before the banquet starts, most of the guests will participate in one of the Chinese national games, mahjong [a Chinese tile game]. Others will take photos with the bride and the groom. When the food is ready, the waiters will play a modified xylophone and wedding music will start to play in the background. Some couples will hire an MC to conduct the ceremony. Due to Western influence, the best man and maid of honour often gets to toast the bride and the groom before food is being served. During the serving of shark fin soup, the couple will go from table to table, toasting the guests and thanking them. In return, the guests will also toast the bride and the groom. After that, the groomsmen, bridesmaids and friends of the young couple will often play certain tricks on them. This is similar to the clinking of glasses in the Western culture. The goal is to make the groom show his love in public. Some of the games are X-rated, depending what kind of friends the couple has. Some games are similar to the ones played in during bridal shower or a bachelor's party. Others may be a bit more outrageous.

After that, the bride will change into a different gown [For some peculiar reason, brides have to change into 4 or 5 different dresses on the wedding day]. As the time draws near for the guests to leave, the parents, the couple and the relatives will stand in line at the door to thank the guests and wish them well as they leave. This is contrary to the receiving line in Western culture. Chinese has 'retreating line' instead. When all the guests have left, the bridal party will go home. That is, if the couple is not holding the banquet in a hotel where a guest room is provided for the newly wed to stay. If so, the persistent friends will break into the room and play more games on the newly wed. For details, please refer to directory Lee An's movie Wedding Banquet which has a great description on wedding banquets.

Post Wedding Activities: The Bride Returning Home after 3 Days
Nowadays in certain regions, this rule is still being followed where the bride will return to the family with gifts. However, in some regions, this custom is being simplified so the bride will return home on the same day if distance allows. Otherwise, some brides will leave the door, and then return to the house again and count that as 'returning home'.