Chinese Weddings

The Proper Procedures: Three Letters and Six Etiquette

This is the elaborate process on the groom's parents' part to look for the right kind of bride for their family. Rich families will look for a bride who can take care of household finances and most importantly, give birth to sons to inherit the wealth of the family. Poor families will look for a bride who can work hard in the fields and give birth to sons to help out on the farm.

In the old days, marriages are arranged so it's quite normal for the parents to dominate the bride-seeking process. Girls from rich family will be sought out by other rich families and poor girls will probably marry into poor families. Hence the Chinese saying: bamboo door is to bamboo door as wooden door is to wooden door.

There are some circumstances where the marriage has been arranged when both the bride and the groom were very young or not even born. In the former case, a young girl may be bought by the rich family as a servant girl to serve the rich boy. When the boy grew up, she may become either his wife or one of his concubines. In the latter case, two pregnant mothers will make the promise that when the babies are born, if they were both boys or both girls, they would become brothers or sisters and if one baby was a boy and the other a girl, they would get married. Hence the saying: pointing to the bosom as a marriage promise. However, a lot of times when the boy grew up, his family may have fallen from prestige and sometimes the girl's family may refuse to let them get married. There are numerous folktales about tragedies that stem from arranged marriage. However, there are also many happy endings to arranged marriage. All we can say is that it was the fact of life at that time.

Three Letters
In the old days, all communication was through formal letters. Therefore, the letters play an important role in the events.

1) Request Letter
This letter confirms the formal arrangement of a marriage. It is sent by the groom's family to the bride's family. This letter is normally presented with the initial gifts for the bride's family.

2) Gift Letter
This letter accompanies the formal gifts for the Bride's family. It is actually a gift list that records the description and quantity of the gifts.

3) Wedding Letter
This letter is presented to the bride's family on the day of the wedding. It confirms the act of bringing the bride into the groom's family.

Six Etiquette
The Chinese word for etiquette can mean both customs and gifts. The following customs are known as the Six Etiquette.

1) Request for Marrying the Bride
After the groom's family has spotted a young girl whom the groom wants to marry, the family will hire a spokeswoman who will communicate their wish to the potential bride's family. (In the old days, it is popular to hire elderly ladies as midwives or spokeswoman for the groom.) This lady will persuade the potential bride's family to accept the offer from the groom's family. Both sides will negotiate certain terms. If successful, both families will proceed to the next step.

2) Request for Bride and Groom's Birth Dates
This is the second step in arranging a marriage. Upon successfully completion of the previous step, the groom's family will request for the bride's 'Eight Letters' through the spokeswoman. In Chinese calendar, there are 22 'letters' that we use to represent date. Ten are known as 'Tian Gan' and twelve are 'Di Zhi'. Two letters are used to represent each of the following: year, month, day and time. Altogether, eight letters will accurately represent the bride's birthdate.

After obtaining the 'Eight Letters' of the groom and potential bride, a fortune telling master will be hired to determine whether the two match each other. If there is nothing wrong with the bride's birthdate, the groom's family will proceed to the next step. Otherwise, there will be no further contact between the families and the groom's family may look for another suitable bride.

3) Initial Gifts for the Bride's Family
If the potential bride's birthdate is acceptable, the groom's family will request the spokeswoman to send some initial gifts accompanied by the gift letter.

4) Formal Gifts for the Bride's Family
The groom's family will pick a 'good day' and send the bride's family the following bridal gifts: gifts, cash, cakes and food and sacrifices for worshiping the ancestors. This act confirms the marriage agreement between the two families.

5) Select the Wedding Date
The fortune telling master will select a 'good day' according the the bride and groom's and their family's birthdates.

6) Wedding Day
On the big day, both the bride and the groom's house will be decorated in red. The groom's family will send out a procession of servants, musicians and a carriage which is carried by four servants to the bride's family to bring the bride back. The bride will then be brought back to the groom's house and the two will perform the marriage ceremony witnessed by all the relatives and friends.

The bride and groom will worship the heavens and the earth, the groom's ancestors and they will also serve tea to all of their superiors in the family. After that, the superiors will give them red packages (lai see) with monetary gifts and wish them well. The groom's family will then throw a huge feast (if they can afford it) for the friends and relatives to celebrate the wedding. All along, the spokeswoman will oversee the whole process and keep toasting the couple.

After the meal, the newly wed couple will return to the bridal room and some naughty friends may tag-along and play tricks on the groom. When all is done, the couple will drink and toast and the spokeswoman will offer sweets and fruits to the couple to wish them long life and lots of kids! Then, the couple will finally be left with themselves and the groom can take off the red cloth that covers the bride's face.